Recovery Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by Miz, Dec 25, 2014.

  1. Miz

    Miz mortality, ka, and the Tower

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    This thread is for anyone who needs some help. I have a diagnosis of bipolar 2 and I am an alcoholic. I use this place as a bastion of sanity. You people don't understand how much you have meant to me. It is a big help to have a support system that is a touch away. I would love for this thread to help anyone out there that is struggling with something in their life.

    MIZ

    - - - - - added to post - - - - -

    So I currently am on zyprexa, abilify, brintilex, lamotragine. And I will start medicine next Monday to help me stop drinking again. I had ten months of sobriety then shit fell apart. It is funny how easy you can go from drinking one to hiding a bottle. Any who. just wanted to be the first one to post in my thread. Welcome all.
     
  2. The Sundance Kid

    The Sundance Kid Outlaw Staff Member

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    Hello, My name is Sundance and I'm an alcoholic , sex addict, reefer head, and fiend.

    I just ate about 4.5 grams of Mushrooms about 30 minutes ago.
     
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  3. Jimmyboco

    Jimmyboco Member

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    Awesome idea man, how did you get diagnosed as Bipolar and what constitutes and alcoholic these days?

    I have drunk 6 out of the last 7 days, woke up today with the shakes and have often been alone at night after everyone has went to sleep still drinking, I have bourbon in the house but intend to remain sober tomorrow as I didn't enjoy being drunk today.

    My drinking is usually mixed as well, Tuesday was 3 bottles of Rose wine followed by some layers and some ciders, finished off with a few Asian beers late on.

    Yesterday was a bottle of Bourbon straight and a bottle of Baileys.

    Today was beers and rum.

    Writing this in bed and thinking about going to open the bourbon in the fridge but won't as I'm comfy and feel crap.

    I also fully intend to detox fully in the new year but have a major day out planned on Sunday with friends.

    Look forward to your response dude
     
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  4. Miz

    Miz mortality, ka, and the Tower

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    Welcome sundance. I have 4 grams of mushrooms in my gun safe. Scientific reasons for realsies.
     
  5. The Sundance Kid

    The Sundance Kid Outlaw Staff Member

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    They can for sure be used for good.

    They can be used for fucking off, but they can be used for enlightenment as well.
     
  6. Trodden

    Trodden Talk louder, I cant hear you

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    youre awesome, my friend

    Its been a blue blue christmas for me

    one friend dying, one in the hospital, one on the way to jail, one suddenly passed the day before christmas eve, and I was SO close to her

    low money, car problems, job sucks, everything seems ready to implode and explode at the same time




    Im always here to talk
     
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  7. Miz

    Miz mortality, ka, and the Tower

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    Trodden, I hope shit can get better for you man. The holidays sound extra hard for you. You got us hear. Don't ever forget that.

    - - - - - added to post - - - - -

    Not sure if I mentioned this but I am off the wagon and have been for about a week.

    - - - - - added to post - - - - -

    Gonna start Rivea Monday.
     
  8. Trodden

    Trodden Talk louder, I cant hear you

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    Rivea?


    Im actually sober myself

    I only smoke, and drink a little, but its celebratory for me. drinking in a bad mood makes it worse

    got that Irish blood




    things will get better, its just every fucking thing that went wrong, went wrong all in december

    if I had a pet, Im sure it would be dead



    :(
     
  9. Monsonbychoke

    Monsonbychoke Well-Known Member

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    I'm MBC and I just ate about 20lbs of food in the last 2 days and I plan on rocking right through the first of the year.
     
  10. Trodden

    Trodden Talk louder, I cant hear you

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    [​IMG]
     
  11. disposableassassin

    disposableassassin I'd like to introduce you to my replacement Site Donor

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    A little over two years ago, after a very tough separation from my wife, I attempted to end my life. I was addicted to meth amphetamines. I was failing as a father. I was failing at work. I hated myself and everything about my life. My wife treated me like shit. She had introduced meth into our lives then bailed on our family for a life of sleeping with drug dealers, drinking, and using every drug she could get. I lost my job because I had no one to help with my kids. I lost my house due to not being able to pay the mortgage. Everything had fallen apart.

    After my suicide attempt failed, I turned my life around. I found strength through my children and the people of the mmanews forum. I got away from the drugs. I divorced my wife, and I began the rebuilding process. I moved into a new place, got a new job, and reconnected with old friends.

    After about six months I met someone new. She had two kids of her own. After dating for awhile we moved in together and began raising our kids as a family. After my grandfather died I inherited a decent sum of money. I left my foundry job with my girlfriends blessing, and began school.

    I still struggle to keep my addiction under control. I have never relapsed and used meth again. I have however smoked weed a couple of times. I fight tooth and nail to keep from doing any drugs at all. I have no problem with drinking but I always get out of hand with any drugs. I am a manic depressive. I have suffered from anxiety attacks for awhile but I got those under control. I still suffer from basically ptsd from my miserable marriage but I do really have a happy home life now. I just need to keep my depression and drug use under control.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2016
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  12. Trodden

    Trodden Talk louder, I cant hear you

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    thats fucking awesome how you turned it around

    I need some of that positivity. Im close to just giving up and going back to a bad BAD life I used to live


    I dont want to be that guy anymore


    but I have BAD anxiety. fucking car door (or any door) closed hard makes me want to just fight to the death

    God my life used to be so much worse. I havent been in a fight in over 3 years. havent been in a bar in almost 4



    and I feel like nothing would make me smile more than to wake up with busted hands and a hangover
     
  13. kjh2477

    kjh2477 Banned

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    Hey, I'm an Addict in Recovery and by the grace of a God of my understanding I have 320 days clean of all mind or mood altering substances. I give my clean time just so it can be compared against the 18 years previous where there was not a single day you could have tested me and not found me under the influence or in withdrawal from Narcotics or Alcohol, which to me is just a Narcotic that our goverment has decided it is comfortable taxing. I have found recovery in the rooms of the NA fellowship and I want to tell everyone that not only is recovery a reality but it gives you more than just the removal of drugs from your life. I feel like I am becoming the person I should always have been.
     
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  14. Dimson

    Dimson Your tears don't fall...

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    I drink way more often than I should. I also drink way too much when I do, especially when I have to be at work at 8 a.m. Almost all of my sick days this year have been due being too drunk or hung over to go into work. When I drink I eat like a pot head. I can eat and drink until I pass out, which happens quite often. I have never done drugs though, and for that I am very lucky. Because my personality is very prone to addictions. I don't need another fucking vice.
     
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  15. thumper

    thumper all around great guy Staff Member

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    sincerely hope things improve for you. I know for a fact there are some great people here and this thread proves it.

    If you need someone to lean on you're in the right place.

    myself I can speak from experience that when things seem darkest you just have to somewhow hang on and know they will improve. I've had issues happen to me, even one since i started hosting this site that caused me to lose my entire life's savings, and everything I owned. But over time I recovered, and you will too. i know it doesn't seem like it, but if you look down deep enough you'll know it's true, you just have to find something to hang on to till that tide swings back the other way
     
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  16. sourdough

    sourdough Sourdough Site Donor Asst. Bookie

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    I don't get drunk quite as often as I used to. There was a few years where about 250 out of 350 days I would get smashed. Now it's about twice a week. I still can't drink casually. Once the booze hits my lips I don't stop drinking until I am out of booze.
     
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  17. m1ckey kn0x

    m1ckey kn0x deranged derelict Site Donor

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    This doesn't entirely have to do with recovery, but i'm just going to say whatever the fuck I want cause it's all wrapped in drugs and alcohol, too.

    Up until just recently in my life, I have always tried my hardest to verbally communicate to so called friends and loved ones of mine of my problems or what have you. I would try to paint a picture very extensively just to try to get as much across to the mind of another person as possible. Well it never works and never will, and words just don't have enough meaning or depth to them when it comes to explaining shit. Most people don't really give a fuck either.

    I'm at a point in my life here now where I'm tired of coming up with something to say to people. People come and go in my life and that's how it's been since I was a kid. People who tell you they love you and that your like blood. When those people ask me what's wrong, I've always had a whole lot to say, as in I put in a lot of effort trying to reach somebody, anybody, who would fucking listen. Half try to listen, half aren't real at all. They all go their way, burning bridges or not. No matter what though, I haven't had anyone I know prove anything to me other than I can't fucking trust anybody. Shit, I can't even trust myself sometimes... Which have become more times these days than I like to admit. I always said I didn't trust anyone since I was damn near 10 years old, but I sure did try all my life. Trusted all the wrong people or maybe there just isn't many "right" people. Not in my world, not in my life, no sir. Sure I got a few people who truly love me, my grandma, moms, and the mother of my son, and I have my boy, but it's not all simple. Nothing is simple, and things are twisted in irreparable ways. I have a lot more than many others, I know, which is why I'm still alive. But that's all I am right now is alive. Been alive. Still alive. Or something.

    Here I am, the end of 2014, Christmas just passed, and I'm sitting alone on an old couch with fleas and some tears in it. I'm at my moms place, but it's not hers, it's a section 8 rented home by the guy she's been with for years now. He's a complete fuck up to say the least who has caused a hell of problems all this time, who also is an ex pill junkie and alcoholic. He's been straight for a little while, but that doesn't mean shit to me. This place is in a shitty part of town where people get robbed and killed streets over to give you a clue. Heard a few gunshots on two separate nights this past week, probably while surfing this forum. My mom doesn't have much choice though and this is just what it is. My 20 year old pregnant sister lives here, too, along with her boyfriend who is in and out on the road working this job he has for now. I have a much, much younger little brother and sister who lives here too.

    I didn't come back here until recently, and currently don't have anywhere else to go unless I leave town a few hours south. You see, I moved here back in may of 2010, when I was 19, because I had to get the fuck away from when I grew up. I ran away from a life of which consumed me from the time I was even younger than 12 of sex, drugs, abuse, crime, and you fucking name it. I was lost and out of control cause I couldn't understand why things in life were the way they were, and why things happened the way they would, so I lashed out with all the hatred and misery I could. Just crashing my way through life, doing the best I could to get by days as a fucked up kid. And nobody gives a shit about you cause they don't understand. Doing whatever it took to make ends meet or to find something to make me feel good. Or someone. Anyway, I had to go somewhere cause I started staying up for days at a time without any drugs to blame. I was on my wits end. I came here cause 2 of my best friends from the time I was 10, 2 of my closest friends periods, had been up here for college. I wanted to get away, thought I'd try to go to school, something I NEVER thought I'd do, and it was by the ocean, something I find peace in...

    So I packed my bags and left, leaving my grandparents who had raised me, the two best, most important people to my life, behind, again. I say that cause from the time I was 12 to 17, I left home and was never there but to maybe shower and whatever, never spending any time, just gone. I was too busy running away from the past, while running through the shit I was in at the present, just a fucking mess. It wasn't until I was arrested and almost lost 10-15 years, and was on house arrest that I was finally back home on a regular basis. This is just around the time my pops was diagnosed with cancer. I lived in denial about that from the moment I heard it until years later when I came out of it and realized... Anyway, I left. I was 19. I had about 9 or 10 thousand dollars left over from my teenage years, after everything had crashed and burned when I was 17. I moved in with my two best friends in a house near the beach and had enrolled in the community college. Even though I was still fresh from the hell I went through up until then, demons inside, it was the first time of my life I felt something like a normal kid. Even if I could just pretend, which is what I did, I did. Cause it fucking felt good. Things weren't any easier, or better, but I was doing better, or at least trying to. Whatever, cause I just wanted to feel free from the life I knew.

    A year went by, and I had completed two semesters, and was going to be on my way elsewhere as it was rolling around to May of 2011. Things weren't better. There is always something. And not just something, but a whole lot of fucking shit, and more shit on top of that, don't you forget. So just like I always did, I wanted to keep moving. Anywhere else, just gotta get away again. Then I found out I was having a son. So I didn't leave. Couldn't leave. Could, but would never. Not after growing up without a father and what it did to me. Speaking of which, I had reunited with my dad shortly after I had moved here, in 2010, and trust me, I never thought I would. And I never thought I'd love him. It was much better for him than me though. The reconciliation that is. He was an alcoholic and had many of nights with the glass thinking about me, so I gave him closure. I won't ever have closure, but there is something there, and I think it's good.

    I wasn't with the girl who was having my son, and never intended to be, so I let myself go. I had always loved and still love one girl who I have had a relationship with since I was 16 to now, so 8 years going on 9. She's not here and lives in another state. Not getting into this too much. I let myself go cause I couldn't believe what I had done and how it was against everything I had always dreamed of my entire life, the only thing I ever wanted out of life. To have my own family, and a real one at that. No half brothers and sisters, and all that shit, just ONE family. Well that can't be cause I don't love his mother that way. It's not her at all, it's me. I've loved another woman all this time to this moment and always will, and she loves me too. But we live two separate lives in two separate worlds.

    I turned 21 that year. Wasn't much of an alcoholic at that point. Was doing a lot of acid though and other drugs. Not only drugs, but anything to get the adrenaline going so I could feel alive, or just to hurt myself worse, as if I just didn't give a fuck about anything. I did a lot of crazy shit. Throwing more of myself away to monstrosities, to hell. Anything I could do to fly though the nights and keep my mind on the run. Went to Miami for a weekend with the boys, like I had run there many a time before through the years. It was October 8th 2011. While I was out fucking around, wasting money, my grandpa had an accident at home and died in the hospital. I could have been there, but I thought he'd be okay, like he always would turn out to be.

    I lost myself worse than ever. I don't remember much through this time. I tried staying in school, but failed all my classes. I wasn't there. There wasn't much of a me before that, and that ate me alive and shredded me to pieces. My son was born exactly 2 months later on the 8th as well. If it weren't for him, I believe I would be dead or in prison. He was the only thing that kept me in touch with reality from a bottomless dismal abyss I was allowing myself to drown in. And even though he brought me a breathe of life and gave me what I needed to hold on, it wasn't enough for the pain. So these past few years I've just been sliding by. Living with the boys. Became a true alcoholic. Partying and drinking and going to the bars all the fucking time. Living it up or trying to. Doing a ton of fucking drugs, and doing whatever there was to do, go wherever there was to go... I bounced around a little from staying with her, but it would never work out. Call me a lousy fucking father, or whatever you will, cause I sure never dreamed this person would be me, especially after what I had gone through. But you learn things in life. I just wasn't in love with the girl, and so I couldn't be with her. That means I couldn't be there for my son like I wanted because I dont have any fucking money, no rich family, and no help. She did though. She has her mom and a family. Good people... well her moms a crazy stupid fucking bitch, but still.

    These are all merely tidbits. However, this year has really hit me between the eyes. See, I never kept up with school. I was just too busy trying to get by while living in the life with my friends and running from the shit, stuck in the cycle, like always. I worked my ass off about 50-65 hours a week the entire year of 2013. Wasn't doing bad at all with two solid jobs. I could get by while also partying like a fucking animal. So this year starts, and it starts unlike ever before. I mean GOOD things were happening to me, mainly financially, or so I thought, and whatever. I had picked up another friend who I called my brother. We had been very close since early 2013, and normally I don't let anyone close to me at this point, he was different. And we bonded in a lot of ways I hadn't with any of my friends. I fucking trusted the motherfucker and loved him to the fullest. My loyalty is one of the most solid things about me. So to make things short, he starts a business in which we both had been working in together prior, but now it was to be our own. I invested thousands of hard earned dollars I both worked and risked my ass for and also quit both of my jobs, and decided not to go back to school. We were supposed to be "the bosses." It was our business and things started out fucking incredible. I thought I had gotten so fucking lucky, I couldn't believe it. Money was rolling in, I bought a new car and shit, and the possibilities seemed sky high. And we were going to do it. And we were fucking brothers. And I trusted him.


    And again, here I am, sitting on this torn, flea-ridden couch, in the dumps, at my moms junkie boyfriends government paid house, in fucktown. Been technically homeless since september 1st, as I have no money to spare. No job. No income. Had to bail out of the place with the guys and crash wherever I could these past few months, including here. Slept on nothing but couches, until now, a twin sized bed. Not only am I technically homeless, but I have this car payment from fucking hell. Biggest, but best, mistake I ever made. Boy was I stupid as fuck for that one. But hey... I've been fighting to just keep it and to have money for food and little shit lately. Making ends meet however I can. I'm looking for a job but just would hate to settle for less because I know I'm capable of so much more. Doesn't matter at this point as it's do or die. And trust me, i'm feeling like I could do fucking anything right now just to keep my head above water. On top of this shit, the thing is, I've always had my boys by my side through life. Some group of mine, or the originals, that I could roll with or just had there for fuckall. Well this past month, the ones I had up here, which include one of my original childhood friends, have all had a fall out. Stolen money, shadiness, and jealousy and greed all have to do with it. The point I am getting to is that unlike before, I really feel right now that I have NOBODY. Even before when you can't really trust em, but they're there. Or when you can actually trust them. Now everyone's going their own way. I got fucked over hard by my so called brother and business partner. Look at me in the fucking dumps while he's doing great. I had his back through everything unlike anyone else he has ever known or will know. I went to jail this year cause of the motherfucker for having his back for one. I got used and taken advantage of. And I still haven't dealt with him, which I'm going to, because I had love for the son of a bitch.

    Basically right now, I have nobody by my side. Period. I've always been alone in my mind, but i've never been alone as in nobody to watch my back or to call when I'm in a jam. I've been sick and tired of the fucking partying bullshit and all that shit. I can't even if I wanted to cause I'm fucking broke and in debt. But I still find a way here and there to go out and get drunk, and let the monster take over, whatever it may be. It's hard not to in this darkness. I want to say I'm not nearly as bad as i've been the past couple years, cause i'm not raging or doing drugs, but I don't now how to explain it... I'm alone now, and I got nobody but me. The consequences of the life I have lived these past 4-5 years are all tumbling down on top of me.

    I'm tired of explaining it. I'm tired of not being able to really explain it. All I know is that I'm more lost than I ever have been at this point of my life, and I've lived a fucking hell of one. I don't have shit to prove to any man. I only wish for true peace in my heart and mind, which I believe is not attainable for me in this world. Note that I did not say happiness.

    I currently just caved in and went to the doctors for medicine. I've always been against it as I have a reason to justify everything that is wrong with me. But I can't change those reasons, so I'm giving up on toughing it out. I have been eating anxiety meds called ativan. It helps a little. But I think it's setting me up for much worse to be honest. But we'll see...

    I'm sorry. This is just a mess of thought in my mind and a semi-anonymous excerpt from some random life in this world. There are many, many more shards to it. This is just me venting as I have no one I can actually talk to about anything, cause most of the people in my life are fucked up themselves. Call it a simple confession or whatever.

    People speak of demons. All kinds of demons. I'll tell you what. You either really know, or you don't know. I fucking know.

    Now this post, nor anything I ever say, is asking for pity. I don't need or want anyone's pity. I'm a fucking man and pain is a part of me. I just want to put it out there in the air. So thanks.

    Always hope for the best, as I do now, and here on out.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2014
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  18. kjh2477

    kjh2477 Banned

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    I have become grateful that Drugs became my addiction - they lead me to a method of recovery that has proven to me I'm an Addict in all areas of my life, be it Alcohol, Cocaine, Sex, Work or Golf. Some are obviously more destructive than others in their immediate impact on a life but ultimaltey all leave an individual dependant on an external "fix" to make life enjoyable - and lead to a compulsion to chase that "fix" at the cost of a meaningful balanced life. I recognise and avoid those behaviours more today and it does make life better.
     
  19. Noise

    Noise Ruido

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    Good luck with everything.
     
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  20. Miz

    Miz mortality, ka, and the Tower

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    Jimmy- the bipolar 2 thing was diagnosed by my pdoc. I have always had "problems" but I sought help four years ago for anxiety and depression. They treated that for a bit. Over the course of opening up to my doc she decided it was a mood disorder, then it got the title of bipolar 2. That just means I don't go full blown manic, but I will cycle between ups and downs. I was depressed pretty much the whole month of October.

    As far as what defines an alcoholic for me it is the fact that given the booze I will drink every night until I pass out if you let me. I will also hide bottles so that no one knows that I am drinking. I think its different for each person.


    Time to start a new run of sobriety. I had ten good months. I gotta get back in touch with my sponsor and start going to aa and meetings again.
     

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